My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I know
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: