Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”