Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her