My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”