Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy