My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁