My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Lmao 😁
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.