My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!