My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
😜
