My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃