My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
![]()
You Might Also Like
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
![]()
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
![]()
![]()
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.