My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.