My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Thursday
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
reminder
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer