My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Your secret is safeish with me
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it