My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start