My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
You Might Also Like
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?