My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
me after drinking all the wine:
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Need WebMD
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*