My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Well, this is awkward
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.