My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”