My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
