My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
i wonder why they stopped looking
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
