My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
