My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*lint rolls you awake*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you