My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.