My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*