@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

You Might Also Like

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@AndyAsAdjective

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@Lord_Voldemort7

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

@hippieswordfish

I condemn the archaic Mother’s Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”