Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I condemn the archaic Mother’s Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Date: Sing me something
Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫
*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”