My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.