My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
