My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
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Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa