Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

What?

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade