Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Respect

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.