My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”