My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”