My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
the zen of frog
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.