Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Based Erika

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you