Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time for some seasonal decor

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

“How’s your day going?”

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Shark week, but for squirrels.