My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
What happened to the other hiker??!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE