My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me watching my own Instagram story
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Same pineapple, same
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
