My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
me when the borders lift
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here