My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
cat vs inanimate object
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Friends that check up on you >
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person