My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Breaking news:
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Help Wanted
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour