My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*