(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
spicy snake
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
SCARY COSTUME
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Bed should get ready for ME
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet