Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.