My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.