My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Support your local cemetery
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean