[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
🤭😂
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them