Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

I’m the neighbor

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.