Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.