Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Bobby pin

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!