Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”