My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
This will never not be funny 😭
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out