Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children