My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
