My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
