My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Human are so complicated
Thursday Thought.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
☺️
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Sign at work today
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh