My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
