My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice