my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.