my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”