Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up