My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
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salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!