Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Challenge accepted.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.