Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.