Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.