Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

finally

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.