My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Oh. My. God.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: