My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.