My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
You Might Also Like
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
